Trying...

Right now I’m trying... I feel like I’m not. Not here ,not there ,not seen or given two fucks about.
I know it’s my responsibility to be ok. To not need for anything but me . I could never depend on anyone to give me validation. I validate myself. I suffer from over thinking. I understand that I can be ok and still fall apart from time to time. Right now I feel the need to flee alone seems to be where I want to be. It feels comfortable and true. I don’t have the need to be placated , my feelings won’t be crushed by your truths. Don’t insult me with sweet lies to choke on. I’m trying to understand my own truths by looking deep into what makes me tick. I thought if I was loved I’d be ok but I now realize I have to love myself the best to be okay. ....JMG

Hello Beautiful

Hello Beautiful , You should be aware of the majestic being you are. Pain has rained over you and chilled you to the core. Despite this you have brought yourself out of the depths of death and are teaching yourself to live. The process seems slow but then I ask myself was the thing that brought you here a slow process? No it was a constant from childhood to womanhood. So how can you expect your recovery to be quick ? You’re doing amazing, you’re a different person. You’re no longer in survival mode you’re in healing mode.
Healing will take time just remember to keep tending your wounds without reopening them. You will be okay and the insight you get from your experiences will help you lead others to Transition and Transformation. The very thing they thought would weaken ,break and ultimately  destroy you has strengthened ,empowered and made you rise...I am not because you made me I AM Because I MADE ME...👊🏼JMG

Do you?

I wonder do you still? I think does it matter? I ask myself should I even care? 
Where am I going with this ? Who FUCKEN knows? Everything is temporary. Change is the only constant. Stop worrying about things you can’t control. I can survive the pain of almost anything. Cryptic yes. Does it even matter? Would you even care? Love Pain Go Stay Today Tomorrow Promise Lie Life Death...🖤JMG

Love Me, Hate Me but you can’t ignore Me

Finding me...

This feeling is finding me again or lack of shall I say . Sometimes I feel nothing.
No love, no sadness just an ambivalent emptiness. I have so much to be grateful for.
Yet in this moment I just want to run away from everyone. I’m not sure what’s going on if it’s breakthrough or breakdown. Indifference is my name right now. I hate the lack of emotion, stoically carrying on. I know what I need but i would never ask those that might be able to give it to me. I want so badly to a changed person. It’s truly exhausting pretending to be strong every moment of my life. I will be okay but right now I’m just asking for a FUCKEN break. I just need to be held and cry out my frustrations. Everyone is broken just in different ways...🖤JMG🖤

Wish...it away

What if I could wish it away What if I could turn back the hands of time ? What if I would have been nicer to you  What if I didn’t break your heart day after day What if I would been able to hug you one last time  What if my heart didn’t ache What if the missing is my karma What if the last time I saw you wasn’t the last time What if I would have at the very least just said I loved you  What if I could erase you from my memory  What if I hadn’t What if I had What if I owned the power to WISH IT AWAY?

Releasing...and recovery

They say past is past, Sure that’s true but until something of significance happens to you. You don’t have the right to tell me that it doesn’t matter. and I should just chalk it up  water under the bridge.I have  so many things to sort out ,to work through ,to process and hopefully release that continue to haunt me. It’s not to say I’m not working on them. I’m proud of the things I am moving towards but sometimes I’m still this little girl crying out for help. Sometimes I’m a wife just looking for love. Sometimes I’m a daughter who wants to tell her secrets but most times I’m a warrior just trying to survive. Time heals all  wounds they say but really all it does is grows scar tissue over the cuts. Which are hard not to see when you look closely.Softening the hardened scars are the hardest to do because you have to go in and break them down with deep pressure no matter how much it hurts or the scar tissue will never be released. Right now I’m working on the break down ,a necessary evil. It’s painful and agonizing but necessary for recovery...JMG🖤

Promises and Lies...

I lived in a land of promises and lies. I promise I won’t hurt you again.I will hurt you if you tell. I was raised on hope and love but married  into sadness and disappointment.  With this ring I am dead should be that vow. I always wondered how it could feel to be married to someone who loved me truly. I don’t need it but I wonder. How things might been different. I’m sorry for my daughters as I gave them such a bad example of marriage. My pain became their barometers of  life. Be wary, be in control of your emotions,expect nothing , anticipate being ready for a fight. My life was based on threats and bitter tasting lies.Scars are are signs of wounds healed . Beaten and Broken but not defeated. I’m proud of my strength and ashamed I can’t be soft anymore. I love deep with everything I am yet sometimes you’d never know the depths of my love because they are undetectable if you don’t truly know me.. This blog has been my therapist over the years. Quietly listening with little interjection other than self cathartic realizations learned rereading my posts. I’m happy to be in a place of transition which my progress is self realized. I am proud of the growth achieved
...🌻JMG🌻

Mind fuck...

I have this certain daily mind fuck . I can’t separate myself from the memory of my deceased “best friend “. I miss our conversations and just the sheer comfort of knowing despite circumstances that parted us
We would make our way back to each other as friends. That will no longer be the case. The fact I will never hold a conversation with him ever again it breaks me , there is a physical pain from his void. Part of me has died with him. I can not erase him and I’m angry and embarrassed about it. For selfish reasons because I’m lonely.I’m saddened that I carry a torch for dead man. Not romantically but companionship wise. I miss his company. We were each other’s therapist in a way probably unhealthy in some instances yet I have never met anyone in my life I have connected with in such a way. My heart aches daily for his company...uncomfortable truths but truths none the less...🌻JMG 

Sometimes...

Sometimes I don’t know how to fix myself I’m sad for reasons that elude me and sometimes things that are so close to surface they almost have a physical ache. Today is one of those days. I have the need to talk but there’s no one. The person I sought out for such conversations is gone there was something therapeutic in our talks they would go both ways we were both broken and healing from our wounds and offering each other solice through conversation. I miss my friend I miss the ease of words and the comfort of his company. Well just another thing for me to work through but now left to work through it alone. Somedays are harder then others.
But I will be okay in the end because I have no choice...JG🖤

Forgive her...

You have to forgive yourself for not knowing better, for allowing things that were unspeakable to anyone. It wasn’t your fault you were a child not knowing the correct way to process and protect. Keeping secrets that only affected you at that moment in time was what you felt you had to do to protect the ones you Loved. Because if Had they known the grief and anger would have distroyed them. So you chose to protect them at the price of your own destruction. You were tough because you had to be. As an adult you found yourself in a just as “abusive” relationship because it was a familiar place of comfortable discomfort. You now know life was never meant to lived in such a way. Forgive yourself, heal yourself,be kind to yourself, champion yourself, and mostly LOVE YOURSELF...you are Okay. You are in a safe place , allow the walls to let deserving people in. It doesn’t make you weak it shows your strength. You have struggled enough in your life,allow the goodness in. Celebrate who you’re becoming you’re doing an exceptional job. Remember what we think , we become... 🖤🌻JMG🌻🖤