Promises and Lies...

I lived in a land of promises and lies. I promise I won’t hurt you again.I will hurt you if you tell. I was raised on hope and love but married  into sadness and disappointment.  With this ring I am dead should be that vow. I always wondered how it could feel to be married to someone who loved me truly. I don’t need it but I wonder. How things might been different. I’m sorry for my daughters as I gave them such a bad example of marriage. My pain became their barometers of  life. Be wary, be in control of your emotions,expect nothing , anticipate being ready for a fight. My life was based on threats and bitter tasting lies.Scars are are signs of wounds healed . Beaten and Broken but not defeated. I’m proud of my strength and ashamed I can’t be soft anymore. I love deep with everything I am yet sometimes you’d never know the depths of my love because they are undetectable if you don’t truly know me.. This blog has been my therapist over the years. Quietly listening with little interjection other than self cathartic realizations learned rereading my posts. I’m happy to be in a place of transition which my progress is self realized. I am proud of the growth achieved
...🌻JMG🌻

Mind fuck...

I have this certain daily mind fuck . I can’t separate myself from the memory of my deceased “best friend “. I miss our conversations and just the sheer comfort of knowing despite circumstances that parted us
We would make our way back to each other as friends. That will no longer be the case. The fact I will never hold a conversation with him ever again it breaks me , there is a physical pain from his void. Part of me has died with him. I can not erase him and I’m angry and embarrassed about it. For selfish reasons because I’m lonely.I’m saddened that I carry a torch for dead man. Not romantically but companionship wise. I miss his company. We were each other’s therapist in a way probably unhealthy in some instances yet I have never met anyone in my life I have connected with in such a way. My heart aches daily for his company...uncomfortable truths but truths none the less...🌻JMG