Wish...it away

What if I could wish it away What if I could turn back the hands of time ? What if I would have been nicer to you  What if I didn’t break your heart day after day What if I would been able to hug you one last time  What if my heart didn’t ache What if the missing is my karma What if the last time I saw you wasn’t the last time What if I would have at the very least just said I loved you  What if I could erase you from my memory  What if I hadn’t What if I had What if I owned the power to WISH IT AWAY?

Releasing...and recovery

They say past is past, Sure that’s true but until something of significance happens to you. You don’t have the right to tell me that it doesn’t matter. and I should just chalk it up  water under the bridge.I have  so many things to sort out ,to work through ,to process and hopefully release that continue to haunt me. It’s not to say I’m not working on them. I’m proud of the things I am moving towards but sometimes I’m still this little girl crying out for help. Sometimes I’m a wife just looking for love. Sometimes I’m a daughter who wants to tell her secrets but most times I’m a warrior just trying to survive. Time heals all  wounds they say but really all it does is grows scar tissue over the cuts. Which are hard not to see when you look closely.Softening the hardened scars are the hardest to do because you have to go in and break them down with deep pressure no matter how much it hurts or the scar tissue will never be released. Right now I’m working on the break down ,a necessary evil. It’s painful and agonizing but necessary for recovery...JMG🖤

Promises and Lies...

I lived in a land of promises and lies. I promise I won’t hurt you again.I will hurt you if you tell. I was raised on hope and love but married  into sadness and disappointment.  With this ring I am dead should be that vow. I always wondered how it could feel to be married to someone who loved me truly. I don’t need it but I wonder. How things might been different. I’m sorry for my daughters as I gave them such a bad example of marriage. My pain became their barometers of  life. Be wary, be in control of your emotions,expect nothing , anticipate being ready for a fight. My life was based on threats and bitter tasting lies.Scars are are signs of wounds healed . Beaten and Broken but not defeated. I’m proud of my strength and ashamed I can’t be soft anymore. I love deep with everything I am yet sometimes you’d never know the depths of my love because they are undetectable if you don’t truly know me.. This blog has been my therapist over the years. Quietly listening with little interjection other than self cathartic realizations learned rereading my posts. I’m happy to be in a place of transition which my progress is self realized. I am proud of the growth achieved
...🌻JMG🌻

Mind fuck...

I have this certain daily mind fuck . I can’t separate myself from the memory of my deceased “best friend “. I miss our conversations and just the sheer comfort of knowing despite circumstances that parted us
We would make our way back to each other as friends. That will no longer be the case. The fact I will never hold a conversation with him ever again it breaks me , there is a physical pain from his void. Part of me has died with him. I can not erase him and I’m angry and embarrassed about it. For selfish reasons because I’m lonely.I’m saddened that I carry a torch for dead man. Not romantically but companionship wise. I miss his company. We were each other’s therapist in a way probably unhealthy in some instances yet I have never met anyone in my life I have connected with in such a way. My heart aches daily for his company...uncomfortable truths but truths none the less...🌻JMG 

Sometimes...

Sometimes I don’t know how to fix myself I’m sad for reasons that elude me and sometimes things that are so close to surface they almost have a physical ache. Today is one of those days. I have the need to talk but there’s no one. The person I sought out for such conversations is gone there was something therapeutic in our talks they would go both ways we were both broken and healing from our wounds and offering each other solice through conversation. I miss my friend I miss the ease of words and the comfort of his company. Well just another thing for me to work through but now left to work through it alone. Somedays are harder then others.
But I will be okay in the end because I have no choice...JG🖤

Forgive her...

You have to forgive yourself for not knowing better, for allowing things that were unspeakable to anyone. It wasn’t your fault you were a child not knowing the correct way to process and protect. Keeping secrets that only affected you at that moment in time was what you felt you had to do to protect the ones you Loved. Because if Had they known the grief and anger would have distroyed them. So you chose to protect them at the price of your own destruction. You were tough because you had to be. As an adult you found yourself in a just as “abusive” relationship because it was a familiar place of comfortable discomfort. You now know life was never meant to lived in such a way. Forgive yourself, heal yourself,be kind to yourself, champion yourself, and mostly LOVE YOURSELF...you are Okay. You are in a safe place , allow the walls to let deserving people in. It doesn’t make you weak it shows your strength. You have struggled enough in your life,allow the goodness in. Celebrate who you’re becoming you’re doing an exceptional job. Remember what we think , we become... 🖤🌻JMG🌻🖤

Who she loves...

She doesn’t just love anyone. It takes a lot to earn her love. For some she felt empathy and wanted to show them how it was to be loved. For others there was something undeniably lovable. Others couldn’t get dance with her even when the music pulsed. She needed to be needed at times other times she fought her own happiness,she loved to self sabotage feeling unworthy of true love. She feared it with everything she had. Terror crept in while she waited for them to stop loving her.
It was only a matter of time that that would utterly destroy her. She knew and yet she loved angry at herself most times for allowing someone in.
She would always leave first to make it hurt less...jmg

Happy...

Sometimes I get caught up in the moment of loving and then fear comes in and pulls me away. I try to stay in the moment of goodness but  the foreignness of happiness as an adult had eluded me. I will try everyday to accept the joy I’m in , and rearranging thoughts and feelings is silent battle, I’m slowly winning. Fear never makes me cry but happiness does. I’m brought to tears most days. I’m grateful for everything I have in my life... Thank You ,thank you ,thank you...🌻JMG

Ah Haa Moment...

I just had thee ah moment I needed. I get very distant when I feel good & too happy. Silly I know when I read the words “too happy” .It just clicked that my children are affected with the same mindset.
I realized after living with a very toxic,abusive,bipolar person that in the brief moments when things were good they would rapidly decline into utter chaos. Duh no wonder why I expect the worst to happen when I’m feeling happy because that is how I was hardwired while I was in the “relationship”.
It’s a hard battle changing my expectation but I understand it now. Every day I am learning things about why I behave the way I do. I’m grateful for the Process of being able to finally heal properly in my time,in my own understanding. Everyday I heal a little more & everyday I appreciate where I am...JMG🌻🖤

Remnants of Things...

I find myself having to purge the remnants of feelings that hit me hard.
The feeling of loneliness has me missing my roots. I have never had close friends until adulthood when I connected with a few people. I lost a best friend first to an uncomfortable situation then finally to death. So in part I concluded that is part of the missing. Being connected to people is very hard for me to do. When I finally do losing contact will hit me hard at the most untelling times.
My siblings in truth have been my only true friends and I’m missing them too. I need to reconnect for   fear I might not be afforded the time again...back to my roots , back to my truth...JMG

Cuz Sometimes...

Sometimes I feel panic set in as I think about the future. I know there is not even a guarantee of such thing. The Big however is , if I am afforded the blessing of a long life who and what can I depend on?
I would like to believe the relationship I’m in will hold a future. My problem is expecting something is a sure recipe that you will be disappointed. So I expect nothing,hope for best, enjoy the Nowness of it all.
However my life turns out is an uncertain thing. I’m content in that because fear will cripple me if I overthink the worst case scenario. I’ve been through worse things and have always been ok. I trust the Universe. I’ve learned to trust myself and I will carry on even in the uncertainty of it all...jmg